There are moments when I can’t feel myself grounded, like I can’t get a firm grasp of reality. My feet carry me to where I need to go, my arms and hands move accordingly, I know I’m physically there but my mind is somewhere else, somewhere foggy. I can only describe these situations as lapses, lapses in mind and soul –lapses in being.
It usually happens when life gets too much; my mind detaches itself from the situation. More than likely, it’s a defense mechanism or maybe it’s just me being way too raw with my emotions that I don’t just wear my heart on my sleeve, I’m probably sewing it back together there too for all to see until my psyche couldn’t take it anymore and booked a flight out. Either way, one thing is for sure, the frequency of these lapses in being has increased the older I become.
The more I experience life outside the naivety of childhood, the more I retreat back into that foggy place.
I worry sometimes, what if eventually I never return from these lapses? What if I permanently turn into a husk of somebody I used to be? Should I seek help? Do I need to get fixed? Am I broken?
Then I remember why I’ve become like this in the first place and I can’t help but feel, surprisingly, grateful because unlike most, I have a way out. Unlike most, when life gets too much, I get to escape.
If I am broken then I don’t want to be fixed.