Detachment

There are moments when I can’t feel myself grounded, like I can’t get a firm grasp of reality. My feet carry me to where I need to go, my arms and hands move accordingly, I know I’m physically there but my mind is somewhere else, somewhere foggy. I can only describe these situations as lapses, lapses in mind and soul –lapses in being.

It usually happens when life gets too much; my mind detaches itself from the situation. More than likely, it’s a defense mechanism or maybe it’s just me being way too raw with my emotions that I don’t just wear my heart on my sleeve, I’m probably sewing it back together there too for all to see until my psyche couldn’t take it anymore and booked a flight out. Either way, one thing is for sure, the frequency of these lapses in being has increased the older I become.

The more I experience life outside the naivety of childhood, the more I retreat back into that foggy place.

I worry sometimes, what if eventually I never return from these lapses? What if I permanently turn into a husk of somebody I used to be? Should I seek help? Do I need to get fixed? Am I broken?

Then I remember why I’ve become like this in the first place and I can’t help but feel, surprisingly, grateful because unlike most, I have a way out. Unlike most, when life gets too much, I get to escape.

If I am broken then I don’t want to be fixed.    

How Do I Love?

How do you show somebody you love them?

Do you sing them sonnets? Make lines of poetry for them? Or do you just tell them?

I’ve existed in this world for a measly nineteen years and I honestly don’t know how to answer that question. I can’t say that I’ve ever truly fallen in love, romantically anyway, because I’m not sure how that feels but when I really do fall in love, how do I show the other person I love them?

I’ve read a few great love stories and let me tell you; the men in those stories have ruined me and my views of how a man should be but that’s just it, they’re all just stories. Reality is much harsher and only a handful of those love stories will survive. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of things that you can learn from those stories although you should always take them with a grain of salt because not everyone will appreciate the gestures of love from these novels and everyone reacts differently. That’s the thing too; people see gestures of love differently.

I once knew of this girl who got pissed when her boyfriend paid for the taxi fare and thought this act as demeaning her ability to provide for herself. I, personally, would have just appreciated the act and just pay for the next one in exchange. So yeah, different views.

Going back to the original question, how do you show somebody you love them?

I asked a handful of people (i.e. my 86-year-old Godmother) this question.

She simply answered, “By being the best person you can be and giving them the care and respect that they deserve.”

So there you have it, I couldn’t help but chuckle at how cliché her reply was but it’s true. Even my young mind agrees with her statement and now that I think about it; most people that I know fight because they forget to follow that advice. It’s normal to forget sometimes but never let that ‘sometimes’ become an ‘always.’

Now let’s all join in saying,

“For the person I love, I will be the best person I can be and I will give them the care and respect that they deserve.”

Letting Go

So this is my first post and I'm pretty excited. The main purpose of this blog is for me to vent and I've got a lot to vent about so if anyone is reading this, which is highly unlikely, sit tight and let me share the world through my eyes.

I'm starting with my latest experience; which is me working as an assistant at my school. I've only been there for one semester but I've already learned many things. I've had my ups and my downs during my stay at the office assigned to me and I really did enjoy working there but I've had difficulty dealing with my boss' attitude, and boy was there a lot of attitude. Not to say that she wasn't nice, she was and she had her moments when I felt so much respect and admiration for her, but she favored the distance-yourself-from-the-people-working-under-you approach and this resulted in so many conflicting feelings for me.

One minute she smiles and cracks a joke and the next she's screaming at me for something I haven't done. So yes, very conflicting.

I know that there are way more horrible bosses out there and even way more horrible people that I will eventually encounter but for now, with school and work colliding, I'm too exhausted to cope with what she's throwing.

I've decided to quit and try to find other alternatives to pay for college because you know what? What I'm doing isn't running away, it's letting go. Letting go of all the baggage and pain that have accumulated throughout the months. It's not running away if what you're doing is the best choice for yourself and you know you're better off choosing this. Running away is when you can face the problem and fix it but choose to ignore it instead, that's running away. Letting go is when it's all too much for you and this is when it's okay to give up. Giving up is not always for cowards, so is letting go.

This all just means that I chose what's best for me and in the harshness of life; I live to fight another day. Because at the end of the day, we are responsible for our own selves and what we make of our lives is solely based on us, and if letting go is what's best then it's fine to let go.